B*tch I'm MAD-onna Review

B*tch I'm MAD-onna

Recently, Madonna dropped the music video for her new song, "B*tch I'm Madonna". To describe it in one word, I'd have to go with catastrophe. Complete and utter catastrophe. Catastrophe with a capital C.

Why?

Take a look for yourself:

Come on Madonna. I thought you were better than that.

Let's start off with the meaning behind the song. As you can see, Madonna is shown wearing a leopard print dress throughout the video, along with pink dip dyed hair. As well as this, she also appears to be singing at a slightly higher register than she normally would. She's trying to tell us, that although she is old, (56, although she looks 20) she's still young at heart.

But, to be frank, there's surely about a million better ways of showing this.

At the beginning of the video, I thought the local ballet club had hijacked the video, as all that's seen is 4 little girls, and an incredibly fast set of guitar chords, however the camera then pans, and we see Madonna, exercising (?)

Can we please discuss the 2 girls in a bath, dancing like robots to a dubstep breakdown, with duct tape on their nipples? I don't think that can scream "attention seeking" any louder, do you?

Now, in the middle of the video, Madonna, being as unpredictable as she is, sprung some guest appearances on us, such as Miley Cyrus, Queen Beyonce, Rita Ora, and Katie Perry, as well as a rap by Nicki Minaj, which we all knew was coming, considering the song is "B*tch I'm Madonna FT Nicki Minaj"

Anyway, Nicki, perfected the rap, bringing back her iconic pink hair too.

I had to look down, and make sure my zip hadn't broken at the end of the song, as it seems as if they've used one as an instrument for the last verse, pointless, I know.

Overall, before this video, I actually had some respect for Madonna as an artist, but unfortunately she's gone down the route of attention seeking, rather than actually putting out good quality music/videos.

I see this as very weak competition to Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" video, which also features many special appearances

Which do you prefer?

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Annoying Things Boys Do

Annoying Things Boys Do

Yeah, yeah, before you accuse me of being sexist, I've already posted "Annoying things girls do".

If you want to check it out, here's the link 

http://pevvyz.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/annoying-things-girls-do-note-i-am.html

Have ridiculous haircuts

Yeah, ok, maybe you have your "own style" but these are NOT ok:

Have a "cheeky Nandos with the lads"

No one actually cares that you're having anything to eat, regardless whether it's "cheeky" or not, especially if your Mum dropped you off and gave you a tenner to spend..

Have a tiny patch of hair underneath their bottom lip

This is not worthy of being called a beard, and has absolutely no aesthetic appeal whatsoever. 

So why have it?

Plus, it would just getting away, if you were to be kissed, which is unlikely if you've got that harvesting on your face...

This tosser's got a double whammy, modelling it perfectly:

Calling someone else "gay" for being a respectable, nice bloke

To be honest, it's just a compliment to the gays, saying they're also nice, respectable people, but seriously, stop using "gay" to describe anything you perceive as being negative.

Pretend it's longer than it is

Around 76% of people say their trouser snake is longer than it really is. What wonders me is how they conducted this experiment.

But anyway, who actually cares? And anyway, I'm pretty sure you're lying when you say you've got a ten incher..

Sticking your hands down your trousers

Yes, I understand that sometimes it gets itself into awkward positions, but just wait until you're alone somewhere, or at least with people that don't mind it before you get stuck in.

Swearing A LOT

Now, this could be applied to all genders, but I see it mainly in males.

Surely you can string a sentence together without that sort of language?

If not, I suggest you get back to primary school, and start learning how to speak properly.


That's all that comes to mind right now, but I'm sure it won't be hard for me to think of more..

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A Few Things We Need To Clear Up

A Few Things We Need To Clear Up

In light of recent news, I thought I'd take the responsibility to clear just a few things up, that have been on my mind recently.

So, I'm not sure whether you've heard of this, but there's this thing called the LGBT+ community*. It's where the sky is full of rainbows, Lady Gaga is played on repeat, and cupcakes and flowers are handed out free. Right now, there's been quite a lot of buzz around LGBT issues.

The first thing I'd like to say, is a huge congratulations to Ireland for legalizing equal marriage! I mean, it's taken you some time, but better late than never, right? Whilst this is a big step, there's still such a long way to go, until full equality.

Caitlyn Jenner formally known as Bruce Jenner, recently debuted on the cover of "Vanity Fair"

How gorgeous is she?

I personally believe it takes A LOT of courage to come out as trans, when you're in the public eye so much. Of course, it's equally as brave to come out if you're just the shop assistant, or the bartender down the road, however, imagine having every single detail of your life documented. Everyone wondering when the next time you're going to go to the shops will be,  or wear a new jacket.

Compare coming out to buying a new jacket.

How much more significant is coming out?

Caitlyn was perceived mostly well by the world, myself included, obviously, however unfortunately, not all were as positive

It's like someone saying "oh, you used to have a cat, but now you have a dog, I'm still going to say you have a cat"

Drake, come on. You work mainly for kids TV, and you are a role model for many, many people. If you really have to think that way, which, you really shouldn't, since we're in the 21st century, keep those thoughts to yourself.

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Snoop Dogg also spoke up about the issue, calling Caitlyn a "Science experiment" Sigh.. I won't even bother trying to argue with someone of so fewer brain cells, let alone the capacity to show some understanding, and sympathy to someone who's clearly been through so much, in order to be the woman she is today.

If you want to know more about transition, I'd recommend Kellie Maloney's documentary "No Going Back" it really highlights the struggles physically and emotionally, that a transgender person has to go through.

My last topic of discussion is a soon to be released video game, called "kill the f****ts".

I honestly find it disgusting, that someone would develop a game, in which the aim of the game is to kill LGBT people.

Would it be ok to make a game to kill black people? To kill women?

100% no.

These sick game developers enlisted in many voice actors and actresses, unbeknownst to them the content and nature of the game, one of which was Lori Beth Denberg, 90's "All That" actress who, to be honest, is scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for work these days.

After discovering what the game was about, she immediately cut all ties with the developers, denying any fore knowledge of the game's nature or content.

These have just been a few things I've wanted to discuss, as I feel the LGBT community is sort of put into the shadows a bit, over other issues. LBGT is everywhere, and the more people that talk about it, the more people know!

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*Complete and utter sarcasm. Anyone who has working ears has heard of the LGBT+ community, no?

THE WORST TWIST EVER - Big Brother

The WORST TWIST EVER - Big brother

What on earth just happened? What have they sunk to? Who do they think they are? Who is she? Who am I?

The biggest twist in Big Brother history has just gone down....hill. 

First off, I think it is an absolute disgrace that Simon, AKA, showbiz, has been put back into the show, after he was evicted, fair and square. Adjoa 100% deserves that place more than him, but all she gets is a few poxy appearances on bit on the side. Disgraceful.

Toss off please.

As for the PROPER newbies, they aren't really going to give much, are they? Other than a massive pair of boobs, and some ego?

We have enough with Jade!

Eurovision - What A Final!

Eurovision - What A Final!

Unfortunately, Saturday marked the final of Eurovision, meaning no more for a year. Obviously, being me, I have some quite strong opinions on the final, so here we go!

First all, I have to ask the question, Austria, what we're you playing at? The hosting of the entire thing was absolutely awful! The questions the acts were asked were abysmal, the "jokes" made were about as funny as suicide, and whenever the voting went wrong, which it did 3 TIMES, the two of them stood there for a few seconds, staring into the camera lens.....lost.

Ad lib, apologise, do SOMETHING to waste time whilst you call the next country!

I reckon I could have done a better job than the 3 of them combined...

Now, onto the performances. Nadav of Israel sang a song called "Golden Boy". The beginning of the song I found was very boring, and just too slow, compared to the rest of the song which was very upbeat and lively, once the chorus kicked in.

Now, I don't know who choreographed this performance, but whoever it was needs a kick up the backside. The dance, if you could call it that, was pathetic. Overall, I give Israel a 7/10.

Do I dare talk about the UK? Oh go on then, however, I warn you now, if you enjoyed the UK's entry, I advise you to skip this part.

I'll begin with the song in general. I've said in a previous post of my general dislike of the cringeworthy lyrics, and AWFUL scat singing, but the live performance was even worse, if that's possible. Alex was horrifically out of tune, leaving Bianca to try to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately, she failed.

Obviously, being the UK, we tried to incorporate some kind of gimmick, to get noticed. We lit up the clothes.

We lit up the clothes.

The clothes lit up.

Ughhhhhhh....

This performance can be added to the long list of why the rest of the world hates us. 2/10, the points being pity points.

Now, onto Australia's preformance. The newcomers to Eurovision mustered a respectable 5th place overall, although, over other performances, I don't believe they deserved it. It sounded a lot like "Golden Boy" and just had nothing to it, which made it dull. 3/10

Russia's performance of "A Million Voices" was sung beautifully by Polina, although she really looked like she'd just left her own wedding quickly to sing. At the end of her performance, she burst into tears, probably scared to death that if she didn't win, she'd be shot by Putin. 6/10

We're here for you, Polina.

Russia came second, taking the lead during the first half of voting, to the fear of most Eurovision fans, considering the scene if the world's Gayest competition came to the world's most homophobic country.

May I also mention the tolerance of queen Conchita, who sat with Polina in Russia's section throughout the voting.

Who said Eurovision is about politics?* *It is

Il Volo performed for Italy, and achieved third place. Now this song really didn't appeal to me, but I've never been a fan of opera. The staging for me was also VERY boring, and had no aesthetic appeal whatsoever. This song deserved to be on the left hand side of the score board, but definitely not third. 5/10

Here's the scoreboard in full. Sort of.

These are the scores including F.Y.R Macedonia and Montenegro's votes. You see, a few hours after the contest ended, the two countries votes were disqualified, as their results were made up of 100% televotes, instead of 50% televotes, and 50% jury votes. This changes the numbers a bit.

Måns of Sweden easily won, being 65 points ahead of second place. I believe "Heroes" is a well deserved winner as it was beautifully staged, well choreographed, and, in general, a well written, catchy song, still in my head as I write. Currently second in the list of popular songs on my Kindle, it's the 6th win of Sweden, since Loreen's "Euphoria" 9/10.

Now, I will be lost without the Eurovision buzz, and shall now proceed to cry in the corner until next year's.

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Eurovision Semi Final 1 and 2 Review

Eurovision Semi Final 1 and 2 Review

Over Tuesday and Thursday, the first and second semi finals of the Eurovision song contest took place. 16 in the first semi final, and 17 in the second took to the stage to try and win a place in the final. Exempt from this were "The big 5" which were Italy, France, Spain, Germany, and the United Kingdom, as the pay the most money towards the contest, and therefore automatically qualify. As well as this, host country Austria, and 60th anniversary guest Austrailia were also qualified. 

My opinions will only be given on those I remember, so basically, if I don't give an opinion of a country, I found it boring..

The first performance of the night was Eduard of Moldovia, who sang something about love (boring). Whilst I found the song quite boring, I will say the staging was BRILLIANT, and was Moldova's answer to My Slowianie from Poland last year. This unfortunately did not qualify.

Loïc of Belguim's performance was quite frankly just weird. The flashing lights proved as a distraction to the awful dancing, however the song was NOT a ballad, but rather a song about being different. Qualifier

Trijntje of the Netherlands performance of "walk along" was again a bit strange, the first camera shot being of the eyes, covered with a mask(?). I do like the song itself, other than the chorus, and I believe it deserved to qualify.

Purtti Kurikan Nimipävät were Finland's attempt at doing a Lordi victory again. Although not so "in your face" their song was a salute to punk music, although failed to qualify. Despite this, the entry is special in two ways: All four of it's members have some sort of learning difficulty, helping to spread awareness. As well as this, it is also Eurovision's shortest entry ever, being only 1:40. 

Russia's Polina had one of Eurovision's most ironic songs, "A Million Voices" considering the amount of freedom and voice certain citizens of Russia have. Rainbow flags were also seen in the crowd in this entry, which I loved. Qualifier

Screw you Putin! 

Bojana's entry for Serbia was a bit of a cheat, in my opinion, considering it was written by the writer of "Rise Like A Phoenix".

I don't think this deserved to qualify, over some of the others, as I just think the presentation of it was a bit boring. The song itself was VERY boring, and there was just nothing interesting happening on stage that I can remember.

My favourite of the night came from Nina of Georgia. She was dressed amazingly, with REAL raven feathers, and the song itself was sung and preformed beautifully. Definitely a deserving qualifier.

How many birds died for that Nina!?

Now onto semi final two, which featured my two favourite entries of the year, Slovenia and Latvia.

The first performance was from Monika and Vaidas of Lithuania, singing about love. I don't even remember the song as I got so bored throughout it. The only thing that perked me up, were the two gay kisses from two male and female dancers that were behind them, proving Eurovision's still got it's touch. Very undeserving finalist in my opinion.

Måns of Sweden by far got the biggest audience reaction of the night, for his song "Heroes" again, some rainbow flags were seen after Måns, back in 2014, said "Gay sex is not natural". The song itself didn't really appeal to me, as I was very distracted by the cartoon, which looks like the very first cartoon ever, "Fantasmorgie" 

I can't be the only one seeing the resemblance!?

Poland's entry was Monika, a disabled women, who sang about, yep, you guessed it, love. I personally would have preferred to have some more butter churned on stage, however, I do think it's good how open Eurovision is to so many different people. From Dana in 1998, Conchita last year, Finland and Poland this year, Eurovision is becoming so much more accepting, and I love it!

Of course I have to talk about my two favourites, Latvia and Slovenia. Obviously Maraaya was flawless with "Here for you" providing a much needed break from the millions of ballads floating around this year. As well as this, the faces the singer (don't know her name) pulls when she sings are priceless. "Love Injected" is so, so different to the other entries this year, as it has a slower tempo, and high vocals. I don't what it is about it, but I absolutely love it!

So, that's my thoughts on the Semi Finals of Eurovision! 

I will be doing a blog about the grand final, on Sunday.

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My Amazon Nightmare

My Amazon Nightmare

"I'm never using Amazon again!" Were the words yelled madly by me not so long ago. Why? Sit down, shut up, as I deliver to you the story of my Amazon nightmare.

Those of you who know me well, will know that I love guitars. I play both the bass and normal. Now, we've had this Spanish guitar for at least 10 years in my family, which was given by my brother to me. I'm not going to lie and say this guitar was perfectly kept, because it wasn't. In fact, it has chips and scratches all over it, so I decided that it was time I splashed out a bit, and bought myself a new guitar.

I wasn't looking for anything too expensive, because ain't nobody got time to spend 500 quid on a guitar, but I still wanted something of good quality, so I eventually decided on a Martin Smith W-100 acoustic guitar. Professional guitarists or posh gits, laugh if you want, but it makes a good enough sound for me, so what's the problem?

So, I went through all the processes needed to purchase something from Amazon, until it finally processed my order.

Or so I thought.

Now, Amazon supposedly sends you a conformation E-mail thanking you for your order, and telling you the estimated arrival times. I never received one of these E-mails, so assumed that maybe they had stopped doing this since the last time I'd ordered something, so patiently waited for my guitar to come.

I received my first E-mail from Amazon, telling me my order was going to be delayed:

Nonetheless, I respected the fact that large companies sometimes need extra time to get themselves together, and sort things out, so I thought "Hey ho, let's get on with it" and waited the extra time.

Despite this, my order still never came.

I received about 3 more of these "unexpected delay" E-mails, and at the third, I decided enough is enough.

I decided to tweet them:

My problem, at that point, wasn't the fact that it was an individual order that had its' heart contempt at not arriving on my door, but the fact that, as I tweeted, every single thing I've ordered has either never arrived, been delayed or the wrong thing sent. As well as this, they were trying to tell me that my order was to be delayed, thinking I didn't already know this.I was being directed to a complaint form, which I filled out, just to satisfy them.

This is the reply E-mail I recieved:

I banged my head on the table after receiving this.

"I'm sorry, I haven't a clue: Volume 15"

Sorry, I haven't a clue what you talking about at this point. I don't even know what you're E-mailing me about this for, and frankly, I don't care. I just wanted my blumin guitar. Was that too much to ask?

After receiving yet ANOTHER delay E-mail, I FINALLY received a conformation E-mail, which said my guitar would come in the next 4 days, and 4 days later it arrived.

Honestly, I've never received such bad service from s company in my life. Yes, McDonald's service beats this. Moral of the story for me, next time, is to just use Ebay.

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Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge

Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge

It is a fact, that Kylie Jenner, half sister to Kourtney, Kim and khloè Kardashian, is mainly known for her voluptuous lips. (Yes, I used the word voluptuous). Now, the internet thought it would take it's turn at recreating "the fish pout", dubbing it as "The Kylie Jenner Challenge"

The aim of the challenge, is for the participant to take either a bottle, cup or shot glass, place it on their lips, and suck in the air inside. This would form a vacuum, forcing the lips into the glass, and making them swell.

I myself have not tried the challenge, nor do I ever intend to, mainly because I actually have a brain. I don't recommend the challenge either.

 Seriously guys, it's super dangerous. I don't normally do serious on this blog, but I've seen pictures of people who's lips have swollen to at least 5 times their normal size, I've seen people with huge red bruises around their lips. I've even seen people in hospital with glass embedded in their lips and face, after the pressure caused whatever they were using to smash.

It saddens me that the internet nowadays has really gone so low as to even start this tag.

If you see this tag going around, please, please, PLEASE don't try it, as you could end up looking a bit like this -

Credit- @Year11Bants on Twitter

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What The Teachers Aren't Taught

What The Teachers Aren't Taught

Now, quite obviously, I respect the fact that teachers, in order to become teachers, have to go through years of training, in order to qualify to be a teacher. Unfortunately, in the 3-4, or however many years your training was, You all seem to fail in one aspect. Dynamics of a class.

By dynamics of a class, I mean our status in the class, sort of a "role" or position we've been indirectly assigned. Some, will be the loudmouths, who could talk for England. Some will be the class clowns. Some will just be quiet, knowing they won't be heard over the rest of the commotion.

Unfortunately, the majority of teachers are far from knowledge of even the existence of this, and will automatically assume that loudness is the norm, and the quiet ones just "aren't trying hard enough".

I can assure you, this isn't the case.

I, myself feel I settle in between these three roles, sometimes breaking a joke when given a chance, sometimes just shooting out my opinions when I've had enough of the kids that just think they know it all, just to show them they're not better then me, and that I do have confidence in myself. 

Every. Single. Time. I. Try. I'm. Overlooked.

The teachers are still marvelling at what someone else said, to hear my opinions, which is why I write them down here, so, at least they're acknowledged by someone.

Here, let me put it into a representation. Here's a volume bar.

As you can see, there's absolutely no way you're going to be able to hear anything from the mice, as the motormouths are just far too overpowering. Solution? Turn down the motormouths. Yeah, just tell them to shut up, and hope for the best. You can't just leave it to the mice to pipe up, even if they get to average, they still won't be heard over the deafening volume. 

Next step, is to help the mice to get their confidence up. They're not instantly going to speak up, and get their opinions out there, they'll need help, and support, which it is YOUR job to supply. Encourage them, pick them when they put their hand up in class, include them in debates and discussions, detach yourself from some of the conversations you might have with the motormouths, and strike up one with a mouse.

I'm not saying ignore the motormouths, so that they can become mice, just give an equal amount of attention to the mice, as you do them.

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Turrah Zayn and Jeremy

Turrah Zayn and Jeremy

I'm sure by now the double news of Zayn's decision to leave one direction completely, and Jeremy Clarkson's removal from "Top Gear" has reached you, whether you care or not. If it hasn't, I praise you, and your ability to steer clear of any form of media. 

First, let's talk about Jeremy Clarkson. Early in March 2015, Clarkson was suspended by the BBC for allegedly punching a show producer, after he failed to deliver Clarkson's hot meal. The producer was apparently sent to A&E, with a cut lip, swelling, and dizziness. After an investigation, Clarkson was dropped from the BBC altogether.

Other problems Clarkson has gotten himself in include Racist, Xenophobic and Homophobic behavior, as well as Ableism, and general unacceptable use of bad language.

My question is, why wasn't this disgusting, vile man dumped on his bum 5 years ago? Why should one man be given so many chances? I'm sure he has fans as young as 10 years old, who look up to him, and recognise him as their hero. He doesn't deserve that. People can be put in prison for the things he's done, yet there is actually a petition, that reached 1 million signatures, to get him reinstated.

Why?

Let's put this into a perspective. Imagine Jeremy at a promotional event, for Top Gear. Image loads, and I mean loads, of people, buzzing with excitement just at the thought of seeing Jeremy, and James and Richard. Now, imagine the three of them, greeting fans at the gate.

Imagine Jeremy inspecting people, making sure that they look and act the way he wants. In comes two women, wearing Hijabs.

"I'm sorry ladies, I don't want you to come in here"
With a point of a finger, they're out

Imagine two men, happily strollling into the gate, hand in hand, smiling.

"No, you're not coming in, I don't want two gays in here"
Again, they're rejected.

Imagine a mother, with her child in a wheelchair, having pushed the chair all day around the car park, to bring her child to their favourite show.

"No disabled people are allowed in here"

Obviously, Clarkson has never done this, but I fear, that if we continue to overlook everything that man does, taking it with a pinch of salt, he will believe he can get away with anything. Fame doesn't mean you can do what you want. Bieber learnt the hard way, so should you.

Jeremy Clarkson

Now, onto Zayn. Having previously left the One Direction tour due to stress, and complications with his girlfriend, Perrie, from Little Mix. He has now decided to quit One Direction altogether.

Now, Twitter just went into meltdown. It felt like the apocalypse. Every other tweet on my timeline was a fan claiming they were going to kill themselves if Zayn didn't rejoin 1D.

Pull yourselves together.

We've got real issues in this world, not band breakups. I bet this will get ten times the media coverage that the Germanwings airline crash, that killed 150 people, did.

All in all, Clarkson is basically a git, and its going to take time for the world to recover from the immense loss one direction now face.

#RIPONEDIRECTION (SARCASM)